Top 100 Lies About Obama
1- Once in a fit of rage, Obama chased down trick-or-treaters he thought had acquired too much candy and redistributed their loot to less fortunate children in the neighborhood. Namely his own!
2- According to an anonymous source, the Obama household is known to hold séances in their parlor each Tuesday evening, summoning the ghost of John F Kennedy. Unfortunately for Barack, rather then bestowing presidential wisdom, Jack tends to keep telling the same stories about nailing Marilyn.
3- Obama once placed bets through Pete Rose, partly financing his own education with winning off Cincinnati Reds games."
4- A common tool of discipline for the Obama children is to take them to the local Wal-Mart and shout to them pointing to all walking about: "See what happens when you fail your studies?! Do you see now?"
5- A common reward for the Obama children is to gather around the stereo in the den and listen to recordings of George Bush fumbling speeches.
6- Once in college Barack spray painted 'Black and White Power!' on the administration building's walls.
7- Obama is a direct descendant of Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemmings. Close friends have reported he occasionally goes into a trance and wails 'America has stumbled! I have returned to rule again!
8- In high school Barack and a group of n'er do wells established the ultra-radical 'Students for a Peaceful, Loving, Just, Healthy, Fulfilling World'. Their main objective? Get Whitey.
9- Each of Obama's commercials carries an undetectable hypnotic message that gives viewers the urge to study the Koran.
10- Obama's favorite musical group is the "Death To America All Star Jamboree Band".
11- Given the option, Obama would choose a 14 ounce Kobe beef fillet over a lukewarm county fair hot dog any day. Some American!
12- Obama's favorite movie is 'The Manchurian Candidate'. After watching it once he was heard to remark "They haven't seen anything yet."
13- According to an anonymous email source, Obama has him currently locked behind a false wall in his rumpus room. Send Help!
14- Mr. Obama of Kenya has $5 Million dollars he needs your help to deposit in a bank account.
15- A construction worker, remaining anonymous for fear of his life, reports he was contracted by Obama to build an underground lair beneath his Chicago home. The lair contains among other things, a shortwave radio with which to communicate with Al Qaeda members worldwide, sacrificial altar, and a rumpus room featuring Ms Pacman.
16- If you play Barack Obama's 2004 DNC speech backward, you will hear him calling on all terrorists to strike at the heart of the infidel kingdom.
17- The Obama family only eats soy products at home. Barack plans to use his influence to replant all other crops in the Continental US with soybeans.
18- On a dare from his advisors Obama once ate a live hamster, to the horror of Mrs. Collins' second grade class.
19- If elected Obama has promised to replace the traditional, tried and true Army bugle with a pair of Scottish Highland bagpipes. Following the stroke of dawn inauguration day, regiments from the Aleutians to Anbar will awaken from their slumber to the first stanza of "Amazing Grace".
20- Obama has vowed to ban country music from every honkeytonk diner from Nashville to Kansas City.
21- Obama secretly yearns for an Oscar. During his third year in office he will announce his intention to take a six month hiatus to film a cameo in the next Seth Rogen film.
22- If elected Obama has promised to make me poet laureate.
23- Once when he was 20, Obama did the Time Warp. Witnesses described the execution as half-hearted.
24- Upon graduating from college Obama denounced the entire American collegiate system, throwing his diploma to the ground and shouting "Thank you for teaching me all I need to know to bring you Down!". He then ran off, not to be seen until weeks later, half naked and nursing a gunshot wound.
25- Barack Obama hides a secret identity only he and his butler know of. They and the construction workers that toiled for years excavating the vast network of tunnels beneath his manor.
26- Under intense questioning Obama once admitted to belonging to Columbia House Records until more than one alias.
27- Obama employs a twelve year old Manchester street urchin to follow him around constantly begging if he'd "care fo' a shine guvna?", to which he forever objects "No!".
28- Obama is a closet Rush fan. One of the devoted ones that boast having not only every album and poster, but also a tattoo of Geddy Lee on their right calf.
29- Once at a county fair in Kentucky Obama referred to an elephant ear as a "Southern fried Frisbee thingy".
30- Obama can't dance. This is a shame that often reduces him to tears at gala events.
31- Barack Obama has said he will replace Benjamin Franklin on the hundred dollar bill with Jimi Hendrix, referring to an obscure section in Federal code. Somewhere in the US Mint section.
32- Obama believes Kentucky Bluegrass to be a strain of highly aromatic North American sinsemilia.
33- At the debate Obama will secretly want to pull up McCain's arms and prove "I told you he could move that $*@^!"
34- Obama intends to establish a small fiefdom in central Nebraska according to his press office "Just as an experiment in other governing systems that may be just as valid as our own".
35- Obama never met an Ohioan he didn't dislike.
36- Obama gave half the 82' female graduating class of USC a hickey.
37- Even after repeated requests he refrain from lighting his cigars with hundred dollar bills in public view, he accidentally falls into old habits from time to time. Much to the chagrin of his PR advisers.
38- When "Bullitt" gets to the cool part where the dude puts on his seatbelt just before the Mustang tears off after the Charger, you know the part? Obama gets up to fix a sandwich then.
39- Even when no one is filming him, Obama says to himself in a perky tone "Who's ready for some Chaaaaaannge?"
40- In certain circles, Obama is known as the baddest pool shark this side of the wide Mississip'.
41- Barack surreptitiously bought several residences in John McCain's name, just to screw up his count.
42- Barack Obama owns and frequently screens the first three seasons of Beverly Hillbillies, just to amuse his friends. After that he feels the novelty wears off and the storyline became too predictable.
43- At the beach, Barack prefers to remain beneath the shelter that only a hired bevy of finely cultured ladies waving peacock-feather sunshades can provide.
44- Obama is so averse to the melodic tones of Englebert Humperdink he has been in serious deliberation for months to buy the rights so as to prevent the "evil melodies from again sullying our public airwaves".
45- When he was in Europe, Obama spent a number of hours trying to test if the toilets ran in the wrong direction.
46- Barack Obama likes to impersonate the Pepperidge Farm man when he's alone with his wife.
47- Barack Obama believes the Moody Blues to be an up and coming south side band.
48- The Obamas have never owned a dog, only leased them from the local SPCA to be turned in and swapped out for a younger, healthier specimen each six months.
49- Despite his outspoken Christian beliefs, Obama fervently celebrates Festivus.
50- Obama's crack research team has spent years trying to devise a way to convert guns into actual butter.
51- If ever asked for change at a street corner, Obama answers instinctively "It's on the way".
52- Obama once claimed to be Spartacus.
53- Obama keeps calling your sister, but she's been afraid to tell you.
54- On a junket to Cancun, Obama brought back more than the allowed three bottles of tequila.
55- Obama tried to pass a fake twenty at a roadside peanut stand outside Macon Georgia.
56- In Weehawken the Obama campaign stopped at a Burger King and he asked for a Big Mac. Upon being told they didn't serve Big Macs, he sternly looked the cashier in the eye and asked "Don't you know who I am?"
57- Barack Obama's 80's porn name was "Max Johnson".
58- Barack Obama has never read the Constitution, only the Cliffs Notes version.
59- Obama campaign volunteers are forced to undergo an omerta of allegiance, often involving the drawing of blood and the threatening of loved ones.
60- Not only will Obama raise your taxes, he may just keep 5% for himself.
61- Obama's peculiar culinary leanings will result in a creation of an entirely new department of the Federal government that does nothing but selectively breed and raise spotted owls.
62- At his swearing in ceremony, Obama will refuse to appear until George Clinton is given a better seat.
63- Barack will spend the bulk of his first 100 days in office helping Michelle and the designers get the Oval Office "just how he likes it".
64- All those supporters you see at Obama rallies? Paid extras. Where did you think all those donations go?
65- Barack Obama only graduated from the ITT Technical School in Springfield, Illinois. It has taken decades of wielding his influence and vast fortune to make everyone believe otherwise.
66- Obama can't get Vista to work worth a damn either.
67- With the days getting shorter and school about to start again, expect to find it harder to get Barack to come inside for dinner.
68- Obama thinks the moon landing was faked.
69- Since he attended a madrassa at the age of four, Barack Obama has been groomed to infiltrate the highest levels of government in the hopes of securing a winning season for the Cubs.
70- Obama's real rationale for becoming President? Free haircuts and bodyguards for life.
71- During his time as a US Senator, Barack Obama enabled the armed forces to acquire dangerous weapons via a circuitous array of spending bills and legal maneuvers.
72- Obama's all-time favorite Stones album? Steel Wheels.
73- Barack Obama has promised his children they may pee in any pool they like as soon as he's President.
74- Obama wishes to become President for political purposes.
75- On his 1988 Federal Tax Return, Obama failed to disclose his share of the profits from a neighborhood garage sale.
76- Late one night after splitting a fifth of Old Crow with Senator Ted Kennedy on the hood of his Town Car out by the airport, Barack mused what it would be like to fly.
77- Even in the worst of moods, Barack cannot control himself from closing his eyes and swaying if he overhears Earth Wind & Fire's "Shining Star". This has already happened no fewer than three times on the Senate floor.
78- When asked what he'd do about the price of gas in this country, Obama has suggested switching to the Euro.
79- When campaigning at the US Army base in Fort Carson Colorado, Obama reportedly "threw a fit" when the base commander refused to allow him to pilot an Apache attack helicopter after promising he'd be careful.
80- In an effort to alleviate the deficit, after the 2009 Federal tax receipts are collected Obama plans to fly to the Bellagio to go double-or-nothing.
81- Obama attended more than a hundred screenings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show last year alone.
82- Known for his demanding nature, Obama once fired an aide for embarrassingly confusing the names of Uzbekistan's Interior and Foreign Ministers.
83- Female staffers aboard the Obama campaign bus are required to undergo an often humiliating one-on-one "casting call" with the Senator.
84- Obama roots for Smokey rather than Bandit, citing the need for law and order.
85- During a heartbreaking summer break from college, Barack finally decided to fall back on politics after a long-planned stint as Sasquatch hunter proved too trying.
86- Don't be fooled, Obama doesn't have much hope for America either.
87- In fifth grade, Obama pulled the fire alarm.
88- With the exception of a few "totally BS" stints in the Cook County Correctional facility, Obama has been largely jail-free since 1997.
89- Barack Obama plans to redirect three years of Federal NEA funding to the construction of a massive reconstruction of the power plant on the cover of Pink Floyd's 'Animals' album.
90- Obama's food source for feeding the hungry? People! He's going to use people!
91- In an October surprise, Obama will claim to be the fifth Beatle.
92- Late in the campaign, Obama will appear on Saturday Night Live performing a pathetic display of the only musical instrument he ever learned- banging on a plastic bucket with drumsticks.
93- At a state dinner, Obama's fondness for animal rights will be put to the test when he is forced to decide between the braised veal and the ramen.
94- Shortly before the election Obama will abandon the Presidency to jump at the invitation to play Sheriff Bart's role in the off-Broadway adaptation of 'Blazing Saddles'.
95- Taking advantage of all the confusion and hoopla surrounding the DNC convention, Barack will make an excuse to step outside to burn one.
96- At a shocking press conference, Carly Simon will admit "You're So Vain" was written about Barack. The fact he was only 12 years old at the time of its penning will speak only to his legendary virility.
97- At the drop of a hat, Barack is ready for a kegger. Night or Day.
98- Several women will nervously come forward producing eerily similar tales of how Barack would lure them into his limo only to practice stump speeches on them.
99- Few know that at his Senatorial inauguration, Barack bribed the Sergeant at Arms fifty bucks to let him cross his fingers while swearing on the bible. Look it up.
100- At the height of his popularity, Barack Obama will only sign an autograph if it is on someone's breast.
